NSPW Day 5. I’m a day behind. Apologies.
A letter, to you --
It’s dark outside and I’m on my way to nowhere, driving down the road and wishing I wasn’t so worthless. The bright beams from my headlights illuminate whatever’s ahead and the blur of lights from the passing traffic in the next lane seems like shooting stars to me but I know that wishing for something I’ll never have is pointless now, no matter how much I want it. I don’t know where I’m going but the exit signs show me I’m far away from the place I used to call home. The painted lane lines give me some sort of direction and the static of the radio in the back of my head keeps me awake but I’m barely there anyway because of all the thoughts in my head drowning out the silence.
The cars seem to be driving faster towards me and I wonder what would happen if I were to stray too far to the left. I wonder if I would feel anything as my vehicle collided with another, if I would hear the crunch of metal hitting metal. I wonder if I would stay alive long enough to feel the pain shooting through my entire body and paralyzing me, or if I would be gone as soon as the glass shattered into my face, staining the dashboard a deep crimson hue. And I wonder what would happen after that, after I’m dead. Sirens would blare as they sped up the road towards the site of the accident. My lifeless body would stay there to be found and carried away to cry over. There would be questions, so many questions. There would be a few empty hearts, unable to understand what made me choose to end it. But I wish there would be at least one person wondering what had allowed me to keep going for so long without giving in to the pain.
And the truth is, for a while I didn’t know what kept me alive. But something, everyday, inspires me to wake up and choose life. I live for love. I live for hope. I live for a better tomorrow. Even though I’m broken, if I can help to make someone else’s life more beautiful than it had been before, that’s a reason to keep me here another day. We all struggle with the great questions of identity and purpose at some point in our lives. And I’ve found the answers to who I am and why I’m here. But that doesn’t change the fact that some days I wake up and wonder if I would be better off dead because I’m not making a difference to anyone anyway.
I can’t help but ask: If I died today, would you really care? Would it really change your life in any way? Or would everything there still be the same? From my point of view, your perfect little world remains within your command while mine spirals out of control, but maybe I’m wrong because I think I know better than most that the most important things in life are the most difficult to put into words. And sometimes they’re the things we take for granted. But I’m tired of having my life continually taken for granted and I’m tired of feeling like I’m not worth loving. I think it’s wrong for people to just expect me to stay here if they’re going to treat me so badly that I’m dying to leave.
I heard a speech once about how individuals could make a difference; could change the world because they were empowered to do so by Someone greater than themselves. The true inspiration of the speech wasn’t just what the speaker said, but how he lived. The seemingly shy boy who spoke those words has made all the difference, living as a light to a world drenched in darkness. He’s the boy who hides behind an arrogant facade, but I’ve seen pain within the depth of his cerulean eyes, because he’s the boy who many notice but few actually care about. He’s the boy whose heart seems fragile to me, and I wonder how many times he’s felt broken before. But he’s also the boy who inspires me to keep living, to push past the pain, because of his choice to continue breathing. His gentle confidence gives me the courage to stay alive; to believe that life means more than a heart simply beating.
What he will never realize is that he’s a reason I choose to wake up in the morning; he’s part of what stops me from the inevitable end. He is what makes me believe that it’s incredible to still be alive. He holds the power to influence the lives of others, and maybe I don’t mean anything to him anymore; maybe I never did. But he is enough to keep me alive.
To me, living an ordinary life is like being trapped in a nightmare. My dream is to live a radical life; for every hour to ride on the wings of the western winds. Every night, the voices return and I have to decide all over again whether to give up and forget everything or to hang on to hope. Recovery isn’t easy. I still look in the mirror every morning and struggle with not hating what I see. Every moment, I’m fighting to stay in this world because I know that it’ll be worth it in the end. And sometimes, I wish you would just hold my hand like you knew that if you let go you’d lose me forever. Because the tragedy would be finding out that truth the hard way if you really did care.
I’ve decided for tonight that I’ll drive in between the lines and keep my eye out for signs of the sunrise. Something so simple reminds me of how beautiful life is. Darkness always flees from light; it never stays and fights. No matter how dark the shadows of my heart, the pain can never be deep enough to defeat the light that love brings. I won’t surrender my life to death just yet.
Sincerely,
--
Scribbles
P.S. There are no words to describe how perfect this song is. That's why it's my favorite. Please, listen with your whole heart: Loved & Looked After (Acoustic EP) - Action Item
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